No, John, I'm Not Ready
by Zack Anderson
Dear Zack Anderson,
ARE YOU READY?
There has never been anything like it. In the first three months of 2004, people like you have helped energize our Party's election year efforts in history-setting fashion. We're pouring our hearts and souls into the effort to take back the White House and win other critical 2004 contests. So now, I have a question: Are you ready for the next step?
Are you ready for a month of April in which you and I will continue to deliver a powerful Democratic message all across America? Are you ready to help build the kind of tough, determined, spirited, history-making campaign it is going to take to prevail in 2004?
Are you ready to stand up for what you believe in and win?
If you're ready to win, click below and donate now.
George Bush and the Republicans thought they could overwhelm us with their massive bankrolls and their relentless attacks. They thought they could swamp and intimidate us, silence our voices.
Make no mistake about it: Despite all our progress, they still have a formidable financial advantage. But, we've made it clear that we won't yield any ground in the most critical elections of our lifetime.
April will be a vitally important month. On behalf of myself and all the candidates who depend on the Democratic National Committee for essential support, I urge you to give our Party your immediate and enthusiastic help. Please rush a gift to DNC headquarters right now — and I urge you to be as generous as you possibly can.
Together, we'll build a strong, tough, determined Democratic Party. Together, we'll take on the challenges of 2004 and win. Let's get it done.
Sincerely,
John Kerry
Washington, D.C.
Dear John:
You must be pretty excited right now. This is your big chance to join Washington, Adams, Lincoln and Kennedy in the history books, what with Monkey Doofus Extraordinaire in the Oval Office, a tanking economy, a growing disaster in Iraq, and nutballs like John Ashcroft running amok. (What kind of man mistakes a marble statue's breast for erotica? A true pervert, I'd say.) I'd like nothing more than to see Bush's pack of rat bastards swept from the rotten timbers of this listing ship. But I can't vote for you. Here's why.
Maybe you're a nice guy, John. You're definitely not as cowardly as W., Cheney, Wolfowitz and Perle. But you voted for the illegal invasion of Iraq, supported the neo-fascist Patriot Act, and are rumored to be considering the revolting Diane Feinstein as your running mate. (Say it ain't so! I mean, Feinstein makes Orrin Hatch seem sexy...)
But you're uninspiring, John, boring even. You come across as a tired party hack who speaks in platitudes (see: above letter). And until I see evidence to the contrary, that's how I'll think of you: a marginal improvement over the cretins currently ruining America, but not anything to rally behind. And while I'll vote for Ralph Nader, you might want to consider a few ways to improve your image. In fact, in the spirit of cooperation, here are a few tips for getting my "immediate and enthusiastic help."
- Write an honest goddamn letter. I'd be much more likely to consider voting for you if you had sent something along these lines:
Dear Zack:
Let's face it. These schmucks in the White House have got to be stopped. Help us pay for the weapons to put these sorry suckers out of our lives forever.
True, I'm not advocating a revolution. But I am the kind of privileged elite who believes that the ruling class can only loot and oppress so much before the poor working stiffs rise up and pull some kind of October Revolution bullshit.
I believe in enlightened capitalism, which I define as throwing the little people enough crumbs and football games so that they don't grab their guns and come into the fancy neighborhoods (unless, of course, they're delivering furniture or Hong Kong-style noodles). Yeah, things will have to get pretty bad before the whole con blows up in our faces, but the way Cheney, Rumsfeld and Tom Delay are going, the end will be here before you can say "George Kennan's policy of containment."
So Zack, ole buddy, ole pal, kick in five bucks if you can. Or, at the very least, vote for me. Because Bush is a real prick. He has the IQ of a batting-practice baseball, and he's meaner than a one-nut donkey. Let's send him to the glue factory before he chokes on another pretzel and blames it on "foreign evil-doers." He'd rather bomb Paris, San Francisco, and Milan than read Huck Finn. Anything's possible with this lunatic, and he must be stopped. Pronto.
Your highly decorated lesser of two evils,
Johnny K.
- Release a bootleg video onto the internet of yourself having sex with Paris Hilton. Bonus points if you can talk her sister or Pamela Anderson into joining the fun.
- Vow that your first act as President will be to have Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez tied to a Prius bumper in Times Square and flogged.
- Ban the designated hitter rule, artificial turf, and Starbucks.
- Cap salaries at $2 million a year, no matter what your job, but especially for Celine Dion, Donald Trump, Barbra Streisand, and baseball players from Georgia.
- Have the top crooks at Enron, Tyco, Exxon, Halliburton, PG&E, et al, beheaded. (Normally I oppose capital punishment, but enough is enough.)
- Ban all automobile traffic besides public transportation and delivery trucks in urban areas. Take our country back from the machines, and give it back to the humans, dogs, birds, and petunias.
- Air drop Geraldo, Ariel Sharon flunky Dennis Miller, and Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert into the Pashtun tribal area bordering Pakistan and Afghanistan with one loaded pistol and a Hudson Bay blanket. That's a reality show I'd pay to watch.
- Put everyone on the payroll. If someone doesn't want to work, make them pick up trash, plant flowers, and write poetry. Writing poetry is hard, and very few people are good at it. But it's good practice, and it will make our populace more sensitive to springtime tremors and the delusions of love.
- Keep all the libraries and all the gyms in every town open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Books and sports are the way to go.
- Apologize to the whole world for almost 300 years of American imperialism.
- Reinforce the separation of church and state by changing the Pledge of Allegiance to read, "It's no sin to get knocked down, but it's a sin to stay down. Amen." (And thanks Jim Miller, my old football coach, for teaching me this.)
Good luck, John. You have Skull and Bones. I have a dream of the workers of the world uniting to overthrow our chains. Maybe we'll be on the same team someday, but now's not the time.
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