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Quiz: Choose A, B, 3 Or D

There are no wrong answers but most are less correct than others. All responses evaluated by licensed officials, scores published, attitudes analyzed, consequences likely. 

1) Would you rather

A) Be suffering from a serious wound

B) Have spent years in a horrid place

C) Parents be jihad terrorists

D) See your dog run over by truck

 2) On 23 hour turbo prop flight to Colostomystan, your choice:

A) Drunken pilot

B) Sit next to man in filthy clown suit trying to fondle you

C) Next to jabbering lady with rabid lizard on lap

D) ‘Ishtar’ your inflight movie

3) Best sunscreen option for July in Ukiah:

A) Coppertone SP 60

B) Revlon Ultrascreen

C) Rite-Aid SunBlock II

D) The Forest Club

4) Your dream life (rockstar, President, billionaire, etc) in exchange for:

A) Cancer, dead at 39

B) Allowing typhoon to annihilate island, thousands die

C) Sell parents into slavery

D) Spend final 40 years at San Quentin

5) Most trustworthy?

A) Gypsy fortune tellers

B) Hedgefund managers

C) Spouse’s divorce lawyer


6) Recent California disasters taught you:

A) Go to church

B) Get a gun

C) Trust your neighbor

D) Move to Indiana

7) Best advice to a child:

A) Get a good education 

B) See the world 

C) Make $$$ (YOLO!)

D) You’ll make a fine hermit

8) In two minutes you address crowd of 3000. Your choice:

A) Talk one hour, no prep, on Smoot-Hawley Act of 1930

B) Take stage naked, televised by CSPAN, your kids watching

C) Fire breaks out, several die; you emerge unscathed

D) Attacked by murder hornets, vomit on self; hospital staff speaks Tagalog 

9) Trapped on a desert island with 

A) OJ Simpson and half-ton of cocaine.

B) Brother in-law who talks only of college sports, intestinal distress.

C) Same filthy clown you met on airplane

D) Endless loop of ‘Tie a Yellow Ribbon’ over loudspeakers

10) You can be any of the following:

A) Retired, homeless, living in burned-out van 

B) Employee of Month at Hormel slaughterhouse 

C) School teacher in Ukiah

D) Terminally ill, but took Gold at ’84 Olympics

11) Post-funeral you uncover $10 million in parents’ attic. Next move?

A) Report earnings to IRS 

B) Spend it on friends, like you always promised if you won lottery

C) Leave cash in attic, avoid negative carbon footprint

D) Move, change name, don’t tell siblings

12) Northbound express leaves San Rafael at 8:20 a.m., to arrive in Cloverdale:

A) Local voters OK indentured servitude via big rail tax hike 

B) Subject of next special Twilight Zone episode

C) Same day Pt. Arena-to-Seattle rail service starts

D) Hypothetical: If Garberville southbound also departs at 8:20 a.m., each at 58 miles per hour and trains collide in Cloverdale, will anyone hear the sound?

13) Baby Boomer realizations in 21st century:

A) Never trust anyone under 70

B) Tune Out, Turn Off, Wise Up

C) If it feels good you took too many meds

D) Tweet the Rich 

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