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Football & Other Luxuries

• The 49ers were outcoached against Seattle. Just like we were outcoached in the Super Bowl against the Ravens (e.g., first and goal on the five with time running out and what happened?). And just like we were outcoached against the New York Giants two years ago in the conference championship at home (e.g., letting the shaky Kyle Williams return punts even after the dinged-up Williams was diving all over the place. What happened? Williams promptly fumbled the next punt, thereby kicking off another offseason of coulda, shoulda, wouldas.

• I love Jim Harbaugh as a coach. He’s an obsessive/compulsive nutjob who proudly wears $8 Walmart khakis. He says weird things. He froths at the mouth during the national anthem. He took a Niner team floundering under Mike Singletary to the NFC championship (see: Kyle Williams) in his first year. And his second and third years too. That’s not merely difficult, it’s historically difficult, as no other coach has ever done it.

• Frank Gore is done. It’s obvious to everyone. Kendall Hunter should have been given the ball after the first quarter. On one of Hunter’s two chances, he darted around the right side on a sweep, splitting two Seahawk defenders for a gain of eight yards. (A quick Niner back that’s not the QB? Is that even legal?) By the time lovable, loyal Frank would have turned toward the edge, at least four Seahawks would have buried him.

• If Richard Sherman and Gray Davis aren’t the same person, then why has nobody ever seen them together?

• If Kaepernick doesn’t become a better pocket passer, we are doomed to thrilling, frustrating football for the foreseeable future. In other words, the dreaded four F’s.

• For all the hype and hoopla about the Walsh-like brilliance of the Niner offense, it actually feels pretty pedestrian. We need to score more than two touchdowns a game.

• Yes, Kaep is an all-world runner, but it’s a passing league. The rules favor the offense.

• Headcheese is not a cheese.

•Would it hurt to try a screen pass to slow down the opposition’s rush? Have the people in Geneva in charge of conventions declared screen passes illegal?

• If Greg Roman is such a genius, why do we have so many delay of game penalties?

• On a crucial fourth and one in the second half, Kaep takes a delay of game penalty instead of calling one of our four timeouts left. This is the 77th time we’ve mismanaged the clock over the past two years. If you caught your neighbor masturbating 77 times in your chicken coop, would you give him the benefit of the doubt? During the playoffs?

• Never drink out of a garden house.

• While pretty much useless on all accounts, the Chronicle’s website does have photos of 49er fans watching the big game. The first picture is of some SF bozo holding a tiny dog in a tiny Niner jersey in a huge bar packed with my so-called fellow 49er fans. The picture makes me hate everything remotely associated with the team I’ve been following since the Dark Ages. Which is a welcome catharsis. It’s like finding out after a really existential make-out session that your Mormon fiancée is really a blacksmith named Chester who escaped from a Montana prison.

• As annoying as Seattle fans are, the photo is evidence that the Faithful deserved to lose. And proof that we will never win again.

• Attractive female cab drivers are a rare breed and should be cherished.

• If the officials don’t call a phony “blow to the head” foul on Ahmad Brooks for his clean hit on Saints QB Drew Brees’ fumble back in the regular season, we likely win in New Orleans. Which means we likely win the NFC West. And then host the championship game.

• NFL officials have been atrocious all season. On the bright side, it looks like most of the refs are as pumped up as NFL players.

• If you are a little shit Niner fan with a little shit dog in a little shit Niner sweater, you better get your ass out of town. Sure, on our last three possessions Kaep fumbled and threw two interceptions. But it’s your fault we lost, you little shit. And my pet coyotes love chicken-fried Chihuahua.

• Let’s test NFL officials for steroids, HGH and LSD. The more drugs found in their system, the more gold stars officials can wear on their hats.

• Obama's presidency has seen more people prosecuted for whistle blowing than all other U.S. presidents combined. Maybe a gig as NFL commissioner is next. Or as Putin’s special envoy to Chechnya.

• There are too many rules. Who cares about how many men are on the line of scrimmage? There are more rules for this barbaric game than there are for fracking, drilling for oil, and making eye contact with midgets.

• The guy in street clothes on the Niner sideline who hit the Seattle kill man pushed four yards out of bounds cheered me up. I bet he doesn’t have a tiny shit dog he dresses up in tiny shit sweaters to take to bars full of tiny shit people whose own loves are so empty and superficial that it’s a revelation.

• If the goddamn Pope knows the Lord’s Prayer, then why can’t NFL refs know that running into a punter’s plant foot is an automatic 15-yard-penalty? Instead it’s a measly five yards, which forces us to punt. Which puts our defense back on the field. Which leads to Navarro Bowman’s heroic fumble-mugging. Which leads to him screaming so loudly when his ACL and MCL were torn that I had to leave the room.

• The techies are ruining San Francisco. Just like the Gold Rush ruined it in 1849. And Indian casinos before that.


  1. Lazarus January 22, 2014

    Accurate analysis……But when the Commish is married to an X Fox News goodie two shoes news reader…that’s what you get, a “never let the truth get in the way of a good story” game….. the refs control the games, and I believe the fix at times…….? is in.
    I was a 25 year season ticket holder, we quit after a season of Mike Singletary……..and we thought Nolan was bad……
    Go Niners….!

    • Mirror January 23, 2014

      It’s clear you don’t even like the members of this team, or even think they are fun to watch. Turn to the dark side, man. Become a Seahawks fan. They are pretty entertaining.

      P.S. Go read the actual rule for roughing v. not roughing the kicker instead of repeating what sports announcers have been telling you. Then get back to us.

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