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Simpson Lane Chivalry

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. —George Bernard Shaw

It was a Friday night last November in Fort Bragg. Bryan Kann was so amped on methamphetamine that it would be whole days and many lost nights before he could sleep. And there was nothing at all to do but bounce endlessly around the house, waiting for whatever tweekers wait for. At 3am, Kann found something to do.

It was a text message from a damsel in distress alleging that a certain Joel Humecky had behaved toward her in an ungentlemanly manner. Or, in her own words on her Facebook page, Wanda Koski, aka Wicked Wanda, described what happened:

“On that traggiced night me an joel [Humecky] got into a fight an he left where we were spending the night an this friend was looking for me .an he found me we were talking an joel came up to my an said let me in so I went to turn on my truck an unlock my truck an bryan can pop my locks an my alarm start going off he gets out an starts shooting at my boyfriend joel …joel flinch an he go down an then he gets up kinda an he takes out his an walks around the truck while bryan still shooting an joel shoots back there no light on the protey (sic) I didn’t know who was shoot I get out of the truck an I start yelling for help no one comes an I try to call 911 I cant work a phone I grab him an start telling help me get u in the truck I drag him into my truck an I put him an drive to the hospital w/a flat tired .an I save bryan kanns life. An now my boyfriend is fighting for his life ..it was self defense… wanda koski.”

The texts Wanda sent that night, parts of which were read in court, suggest that Wanda was not being truthful about events, that the gallant Kann may have been lured into an ambush.

But it was Kann to the rescue, speeding to the Simpson Lane scene in his girlfriend's green Mustang, and conveniently armed with her 9mm pistol.

Wanda Koski was living and vending methamphetamine out of her Isuzu SUV, presiding over a kind of chemical food truck. When Bryan Kann arrived, the proprietor was prone in the back seat, and Joel Humecky was nowhere to be seen.

The case was prosecuted by Deputy DA Elizabeth Norman whose first witness was Wicked Wanda Koski. Ms. Koski weaved her way to the witness stand, swaying like she was seasick, and still swaying while she was being sworn in. You could hear the courtroom thinking, "Whoa, the witness is drunk!"

Koski
Koski

The battered blonde fell forward, bumping into the microphone, and muttered something resembling a curse. Her eyes were red and watery, her hair disheveled, and her speech slurred. It was 10am.

Judge Ann Moorman regarded the witness first with alarm, then with annoyance, finally with anger.

As best she could, Ms. Norman elicited a disjointed, often unintelligible narrative of the events of the early morning hours of November 2, 2013. If Ms. Koski had been drinking before she came to court, she seemed to sober up when Humecky’s defense attorney, Lake County transplant Douglas Rhoades of the Office of the Alternate Public Defender, took his turn on cross examination.

Rhoades: “So, Ms. Koski, you testified that my client, Mr. Humecky started pushing and shoving you?”

Koski: “Huh? Me? No, I did the pushing and shoving — where you been?”

Rhoades: “I’m sorry. I thought you said he shoved you. Were you injured?”

Koski: “Huh? Injured? No, I… uh, I… No!”

Rhoades: “And then Joel left?”

Koski: “Yah, he took off.”

Rhoades: “Did you see where he went?”

Koski: “Nah, I dunno where he went, it was dark, ya know, like nighttime, dude.”

Mr. Rhoades has recently replaced the late Bert Schlosser as an Alternate Public Defender, and this was his first case in that role. We were wondering how long he could last, with a start with a witness like this.

Rhoades: “So, then you got an answer to your text message from Bryan Kann, is that right?”

Koski: “Yah, tha’s right. Bryan said, like, shit, man, I’ll come out there and kick ’is fuggin’ ass — he was all hotdog, thinkin’ he could kick my boyfrien’s ass and shit, but ha! he found out I don’t fug around and I’ll tell ya sumpin’ else [mumble mumble]…”

Moorman: “Ms. Koski, could you speak into the microphone, and try to speak clearly, please?”

Koski (falling forward into the mic with an amplified thump, shouted): “He said he’d kick Joel’s fuggin’ ass! I already tol’ ya that.”

Rhoades: “And your text signature is Wicked Wanda, correct?”

Koski: “Yup-pers.”

Moorman: “Is that a ‘yes’?”

Koski: “Yep.”

Rhoades: “So after you get roughed up by Joel, you text Bryan, and he shows up sometime after 3:00 am?”

Koski: “Um-hum.”

Moorman: “Is that a ‘yes’?

Koski: “Yah, a ‘yes’.”

Rhoades: “So Bryan pops up, then Joel returns?”

Koski: “I was laying in the back seat and Bryan was in the front seat and he jumps out and says you sombitch I’ll kick yer fuggin’ ass and”—

Moorman: “Slow down, Ms. Koski. My court reporter can’t keep up.”

Koski: “But he said he’d kick ’is fuggin’ ass!”

Moorman: “Okay, Ms. Koski, here’s the rules: You wait until the attorney asks a question, then you answer. And your words are slurred, so try to speak clearly, if you can. Go ahead, Mr. Rhoades.”

Koski: (shouting into the mic): “He said sumpin’ like I’m gonna kick yer fuggin’ ass, dude. [suddenly sniffling] Then the shooting started.”

It was like holding court at closing time down at the Water Trough.

Ms. Koski, at this point, seemed to be entering the lachrymose stage of drunkenness, wherein the slightest pangs of remorse become overwhelming, alternating with other exaggerated emotions, such as haughty indignation, sloppy sentimentality, ungovernable hilarity. But so many people around here behave like this when they’re stone-cold sober that we can never safely assume accelerated mood changes are due to alcohol.

Rhoades: “Was Bryan shooting at Joel?”

Koski: “Wull, yah!”

Rhoades: “Where was Joel?”

Koski: “He went down, down by the front tire.”

Rhoades: “Which side of the SUV was he on?”

Koski: “The passenger side… I tol’ you that. I was so afraid it was Joel that got hit… [weeping] …I didn’t know it was Bryan ‘til I got out.”

Rhoades: “Then you helped him up and drove him to the hospital?”

Koski: “Yesh… [blubber blubber].”

Rhoades: “Nothing further, your honor.”

Beth Norman: “Have you talked to Mr. Humecky since he’s been in jail?”

Koski: “No!”

Norman: “You do know, don’t you, Ms. Koski, that there is a recording of the phone conversations you had with him at the jail?”

Koski: “Huh?”

Moorman: “Ms. Koski, did you consume any alcohol before you came to court today?”

Koski: “No… I mean, no!”

Moorman: “Is this witness excused?”

“Yes, your honor,” said both attorneys at once, and both sounding much relieved.

Moorman: “You may step down, Ms. Koski.”

Actually, she nearly fell down, stumbling from the witness stand and staggering on out of the courtroom.

Kann
Kann

The People called Bryan Kann, late night rescuer of distressed women.

Norman: “You’ve had a few criminal convictions, haven’t you, Mr. Kann?

Kann: “Yes, ma’am.”

Norman: “Possession of meth in Fort Bragg?”

Kann: “Yes, ma’am.”

Norman: “Theft in Fort Bragg in 2006?”

Kann: “Yes, ma’am.”

Norman: “Another Fort Bragg theft conviction in 2010?”

Kann: “Yes, ma’am.”

Norman: “Theft conviction in Washington State?”

Kann: “Yes, ma’am.”

Norman: “Possession of marijuana for sale in Washington State?”

Kann: “Yes, ma’am.”

Norman: “Arrest for assault and battery in Las Vegas?”

Kann: “Yes, ma’am”

Norman: “And you failed a drug diversion program in Montana?”

Kann: “Yes, ma’am.”

Norman: “And a federal conviction in Montana?”

Kann: “Yes, ma’am.”

Norman: “What was that for?”

Kann: “Giving false information to a grand jury.”

There are probably better citizens of Fort Bragg, but we don't want to seem judgmental.

Mr. Joel Humecky also enjoys what you might described as “a mixed reputation.”

Humecky
Humecky

While the cops consider Humecky a standard issue Undesirable, a Fort Bragg reader of this fine publication once wrote to the paper, “Ye Editor, I found The Best And Worst Of 2011 fun and spot on as usual. I happen to be acquainted with Joel Humecky — ‘The stoner of the year’ — as well as with most of his family, known in some circles as ‘those loudmouth Humeckys’ (except for his mother who is perfectly lovely and seldom raises her voice or ever ingests chemicals for that matter). Admittedly Mr. Humecky does chemicalize to some extent, but a more pleasant fellow does not live, as his picture goes far to illustrate. You know how stress can be.”

Prosecutor Norman began her interrogation of Kann: “Are you familiar with a Ms. Wanda Koski?”

Kann: “Yes, ma’am. She sent me a text message that night saying her boyfriend had beat her up and asking me to come out there on Simpson Lane where she was spending the night.”

Norman: “What’s the lighting like on Simpson Lane?”

Kann: “There is none?”

Norman: “Did you have a flashlight?”

Kann: “No.”

Norman: “Were you armed?”

Kann: “I had a firearm.”

Norman: “Why?”

Kann: “Cause the text said Joel had a weapon.”

Norman: “Whose?”

Kann: “My girlfriend’s.”

Norman: “You’ve had run-ins with Joel before?”

Kann: “Yes, ma’am.”

Norman: “What did you do when you got there?”

Kann: “I got in the front seat. Wanda had a bed made up in the back seat and I was talking to her over my shoulder.”

Norman: “Were you using drugs?”

Kann: “Yes, we were smoking meth and I heard a loud bang on the window.”

Norman: “Where was the gun?”

Kann: “I put it under the front seat.”

Norman: “Did Joel have a gun?”

Kann: “I thought I saw a gun and it sounded like something metallic that hit the window. Then Wanda yelled, ‘There’s Joel!’ so I spun out of the door and said, ‘Hey, Joel, I’m gonna teach you a lesson about hitting women’ — then gunshots rang out.”

“Gunshots rang out.” Now there's a line straight outta…

Norman: “She told you he hit her?”

Kann: “Yes, ma’am.”

Norman: “Did you see any injuries on Wanda?”

Kann: “No, ma’am.”

Norman: “Did you see Joel?”

Kann: “No, ma’am. He blinded me with a flashlight, then I got hit. I saw my arm falling in slow motion, and had to pick it up with my other hand. I didn’t know until later that I was hit in the side. Wanda was screaming, ‘You shot my friend!’ She picked me up and put me in the car and drove me to the hospital. By then my stomach was swelling up and there were cops all around … Then I woke up in Santa Rosa, and was there for 33 days. My recollection of that time is really fuzzy.”

Judge Moorman: “Why is that relevant?”

Norman: “The People are seeking a holding order on attempted murder with grave bodily injury, your honor.”

Moorman: “Can you describe your injuries?”

Kann: “I’ve lost sight in my left eye, some in my right eye; my left elbow was shattered — no use of that arm — and I was shot three times in the side.” Kann pulled up his shirt to show the judge the bullet hole scars.

Norman: “Did you ever fire your gun?”

Kann: “No, ma’am.”

Norman: “What happened to it?”

Kann: “I threw it out the window on the way to the hospital.”

Norman: “Did you threaten Mr. Humecky?”

Kann: “I said I’m gonna teach you a lesson, so I guess that constitutes a threat.”

Mr. Rhoades on cross: “Did any of those text messages between you and Wanda have anything to do with money?”

Kann: “Yes, sir. I said I would bring the $300.”

Rhoades: “Was that in connection to drugs?”

Kann: “Yes, sir.”

Rhoades: “And her location was known to you?”

Kann: “Yes, sir.”

Rhoades: “And you used your girlfriend’s vehicle — a green Mustang?”

Kann: “Yes, sir.”

Rhoades: “And you did some meth with Ms. Koski — did she have the drugs?”

Kann: “Yes, sir.”

Rhoades: “Were you doing the meth when Joel showed up?”

Kann: “Yes, sir.”

Rhoades: “Your testimony was that you didn’t have a gun with you when you jumped out, is that correct?”

Kann: “Yes, sir.”

Rhoades: “But the weapon you brought was a 9mm?”

Kann: “Yes, sir.”

Rhoades: “Where was Mr. Humecky when the shooting started?”

Kann: “On the left side.”

Rhoades: “So he shot over the hood of the vehicle?”

Kann: “Yes, sir.”

Rhoades: “Did you see Humecky move?”

Kann: “I never saw him. I heard Wanda say there’s Joel, but I never saw him, no.”

Rhoades: “The handgun you brought was loaded?”

Kann: “Yes, sir.”

Rhoades: “Nothing further,”

Norman: “You never actually saw Mr. Humecky?”

Kann: “No, ma’am.”

Rhoades: “Can you show me where you were hit?”

Kann: “Right here. The shock just destroyed my elbow.”

Rhoades: “But you do not know if the shot that hit your elbow was one of the bullets that entered your side?”

Kann: “No, sir, I do not.”

Ms. Norman called Homicide Detective Andrew Whitaker: “When you interviewed Wanda Koski at the hospital, did she tell you Bryan Kann had a gun?”

Whitaker: “She said he never had a gun. She said he’d been shot and she drove him to the hospital. It was some days later that her sister Sara called and said I needed to contact her again. When I did she said that Kann had a gun and a flashlight, and that he scanned the area with the gun and flashlight before he got in the vehicle.”

Norman: “Did you interview Joel Humecky?”

Whitaker: “I did, yes. He said he was at the Simpson Lane property and thought that Bryan Kann and Wanda Koski were having a sexual relationship…”

Humecky, seated with his lawyer, leaned toward his advocate’s ear and whispered something.

Whitaker: “…and he went up to the vehicle to tell Wanda he had money for her to pay for a broken window [the same $300?]. He said Kann then got out with a flashlight and a gun, then he [Joel] said, ‘Don’t do this, don’t do this…’ Then Kann started shooting and he got down by the right side of the vehicle and got his gun from under the passenger seat and returned fire.”

Norman: “Did Ms. Koski tell you what Kann did with his gun?”

Whitaker: “She said he threw it out on the way to the hospital.”

Norman: “Did you recover it?”

Whitaker: “Yes. It was sent to Department of Justice for identification.”

Norman: “Nothing further.”

Rhoades: “Were you present when the area was secured and searched?”

Whitaker; “Briefly, yes.”

Rhoades: “Are you aware that a headlamp was recovered?”

Whitaker: “I believe there was, yes.”

Rhoades: “Did Humecky tell you that he ripped it off Kann’s head?”

Whitaker: “Yes, he did. He said it was so he wouldn’t be a target.”

Rhoades: “And he said it was Kann that started shooting?”

Whitaker: “Yes.”

Rhoades; “Any indication that any bullets hit the vehicle?”

Whitaker: “I don’t know. There was a flat tire, and that was sent to DOJ as well. It may have been a bullet hole.”

Rhoades: “Wasn’t there also a hole in the right front mud flap?”

Whitaker: “Yes, there was.”

Rhoades: “Two days later, you learned from Koski that Kann had a gun?”

Whitaker: “Yes.”

Norman: “Did Koski tell you that Kann fired the gun?”

Whitaker: “No.”

Rhoades: “But Koski told you she saw Kann put the gun in his waistband?”

Whitaker: “Yes, that’s correct.”

Norman: “We are asking for a holding order on the attempted murder of Bryan Kann, your honor.”

Rhoades: “Mr. Kann came to that scene with a gun and where it [the sequence of events, not the pistol] went from there is a mystery. Koski says one thing and Kann says another, and the holes in the tire and mud flap tells me a lot of random shooting was going on. I’m having a hard time telling who is telling the truth — except for the detective — and I’ll submit it on that.”

Moorman: “There is no evidence that Kann fired his weapon, except from Ms. Koski and she seemed to be under the influence. She was drowsy, kept falling into the mic and her words were slurred, so her testimony is, well… Kann was shot at least three times and with the lack of credibility on the part of Ms. Koski, I think it was an attempted murder and I’m going to grant the holding order. We’ll bring this back on the 24th for arraignment on the information. That’ll be the order.”

Chivalry’s not dead, but it got shot up pretty bad, and it’s damned lucky to be alive.

At trial, maybe Humecky will tell us what really happened.

6 Comments

  1. Christy June 23, 2015

    The outcome to this story is really sad… Joel was looking at possible life or maybe best case senerio, 10 years for attempted Murder with special allegations.. To refresh your memory, Joel unloaded his 9mm, 4 bullets were put in Bryan, 1 in Wanda’s tire and 2 went stray.. Joel said it was self-defense! One or two shots is self-defense, not unloading the clip on someone. Also remember, Bryan was un-armed!! Before Joel got his day in court he spent about a year in jail.. And when all is said and done, for Attempted Murder with Special Allegations, Joel received 3 years! Is this really our justice system? What a joke!! As for Bryan, he will never be the same. In constant pain and very little use of his arm! Nevermind the flashbacks and nightmares!!

  2. ClowninWanda July 19, 2014

    Wow Wanda or (wicked) A old woman if that’s what she really is calling her self that is questionable. This woman is a soul sucking vampire whore with not an ounce of tact, class, morals or the ability to function normally in society. Whatever the outcome is she needs to be held accountable for this. Had it not been for her this would have never happened.

  3. Reader July 6, 2014

    Well i side Christy on this Wicked Wanda should face charges. I have known Bryan for many many years i can say this he hates guns if he took one with him that night there had to be a good reason. As for Joel i also know him this is not something i would have thought he would do but at the same time he always had a gun with him. He got into some scrapes and lost in fact he got rough up by Wicked Wanda son for hitting her. Good for you kid so in the end who to trust Wicked Wanda Joel or Bryan. I guess we will find out when he has his day in court as for me i trust only one story the truth.

  4. Bruce Anderson July 4, 2014

    Police reports and court testimony comprised the story’s sources. These tweeker sagas are otherwise impossible to unravel. Interviewing the tweekers themselves is like interviewing three-year-olds who’ve had a couple of drinks. Wicked Wanda, who showed up drunk to “testify,” was not charged. You had two dope heads shooting at each other for no adult reason whatsoever. That’s the story. Maybe Humecky’s trial will reveal more.

  5. Christy July 4, 2014

    I have always loved to read this newspaper! And I will say that I admire your guts. The way you have written this article in particular says a lot about you. You obviously have no clue as to the facts and you don’t seem to care! You seem very narrow minded and uneducated. But so many people around these parts are just that, uneducated,or maybe just kinda dumb! I’m sure you can relate… The way you wrote this article leaves it wide open for rumors and that is what got Bryan shot to begin with! Quit being so damn lazy, get your facts (or lack of)..
    Here’s a question for you.. why isn’t Wanda Koski being held accountable for any of this? Joel wouldn’t have shot Bryan that night and Bryan wouldn’t have gone out there and gotten shot that night if Wanda had not of set them both up! She played a huge role in this whole thing and she should be held accountable..

  6. Truth June 30, 2014

    Well Bruce you have proven once again that your newspaper is nothing more than a rag that should be used to wipe your ass with. I wonder if you even know what the truth is anymore. Now you have opened up your rag to a libel suit not that even matters to your owner who lives for lies. Nothing you said about that night events were true. To say Bryan Kann was high and bouncing around the house and would not sleep for days. That statement shows how stupid your reporting is no facts just lies. Mr. Kann would slip into a coma in less than an hour and would be in a coma for 28 days. He got plenty of sleep as for that facts of the case it is not hard to place blame as I know what happened that night. First Bryan was sleeping when Wicked Wanda tex came in Bryan had only known Wanda for less than 2 weeks. As for Joel there was no love lost there just 2 weeks before the shooting Joel had stolen 500$ from his mother car and was fired from his job for stealing the day before the shooting.The other question that should be looked at why did Joel think there was something going on between Wanda and Bryan. Well the truth is a girl who felt scorned told Joel the little white lie that set off these events. There is no friendship between Bryan and Wicked Wanda due to the fact that she has told nothing but lies about what happened trying to save her boyfriend. The truth is he went there to help he was armed for his protection and when he saw there was no danger he put the gun away. I know he never took the gun out of the car it is so simple read his statement the first shot hit his elbow and he said he watched his arm fold over like in slow motion and he caught it with his hand and cradled it until he got into the car. So how did he do that with a gun only when he got into the car could he rest his arm on his leg then reach down and toss the gun out the window. So print what you want but you will always be a toilet of a newspaper because lies sell. Well the Truth will always come out ahead.

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