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Bird’s Eye View (Sep 14, 2016)

Greetings one and all. Are you are sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin. So, even though the annual County Fair is virtually upon us, I suggest that there is no bigger event this week than the 98th Birthday of the Valley’s oldest man. Ross Murray! Freda Fox, who turned 98 in March is our oldest resident but Ross, who was born on 16th September 1918 is a very close second. 1918! Just think what Ross has lived through! Many happy returns, Ross. What a truly awesome achievement (to use the word “awesome” in as accurate a way as I can think of).

Many intriguing questions arose at The 3-Dot about this coming weekend’s County Fair. Will the attendance be an increase following a few years of declining numbers? The newly formed Fair Boosters have been hard at work trying to freshen things up. Hopefully their efforts will be appreciated by a good turnout. Will the infamous “Large-breasted Boonville Flasher” once again expose herself to Sheriff Tom Allman as he rides in the Parade? Will “King” Ken Allen, former AV Brewery owner and last place finisher in the unofficial AV Mayor’s election a couple of years ago, show his face? Is Pickles the Clown going to show up and scare lots of small children? Will any local teenage girls run off with a Carny? Will any local school boys run off and become a Carny? Will the corn dogs be as good and as unhealthy as ever? Will the booth run by the AV Historical Society and Museum sell enough books to be regarded as a success after an absence of a few years? And most importantly, will I win the Carrion-Eating Contest for the ninth year in succession? All this, and more, will be revealed this coming weekend.

Now for my annual pre-Fair speech: “I would like to remind some of you, particularly the younger generation, that it is not just about the carnival rides and looking cool with your date, important though such pastimes certainly are. Try to check out the various display halls of arts, crafts, agriculture, etc, along with the impressive livestock corrals, the traditional rodeo, and the always-exciting sheep dog trials. This Fair is a really unique event and one of a dying breed, so why not broaden your horizons and enjoy everything “The Best Little Fair in the West” has to offer? Cool too. Trust me on this; You can thank me later.”

Public Service Announcements. #543. The Vets from the Mendocino Animal Hospital have no more visits this month but they will be at the AV Farm Supply on Highway 128, north of Philo, twice next month: October 6 and 20. #544. The Mendocino Bookmobile returns to the Valley next Tuesday, September 20 (alternate Tuesdays for 45 minutes) at: Navarro Store 9am (for just 30 minutes before heading out to Comptche); the Floodgate 12.30pm; Philo 1.30pm; Boonville (Apple Hall) 2.30pm. Phone 463-4694 for further details. #545. The AV Museum is open every Saturday and Sunday, from 1-4pm in The Little Red Schoolhouse next to the Elementary School on AV Way, a perfect way to spend a weekend afternoon at “The Best Little Museum in the West.”

Here is the menu for the Community lunches next week in the Senior Center at the Veterans Building in Boonville. $6 donation from seniors and $7 for Non-seniors. Tomorrow, Thursday, September 15, the lunch, served by Marti Titus and her crew at Noon, will be BBQ Hot Dogs and Sundae Cone Cake for dessert. Following this lunch join Ken Montgomery & Friends for music & singing. Then, next Tuesday, September 20, the lunch will feature Pork Chop Casserole with Holy Cow Cake for dessert. All meals include vegetables, salad bar, and fruit, plus milk, coffee, tea, and lemonade. Maybe the best value for money you’ll get all week! Tai Chi is available every Tuesday at 11am; on Thursdays at 11am it is Kathy’s Easy-stretch Yoga. Also on Thursdays, the Active Life Club from 10am to 2pm features games, crafts, and music. The Senior Center/Community Bus goes to Ukiah on Monday's and Santa Rosa on the first Wednesday of the month. These trips fill up fast so sign up early at 489-1175. All ages welcome! Hope to see you there.

More from The Three-Dot Lounge: “Moans, Groans, Good Thoughts, and Rampant (yet surprisingly reliable) Rumors” from my favorite gathering place in the Valley.

…Sheriff Tom Allman and District Attorney C. David Eyster are pretty much always seen together when attending county events these days. It is almost “cute,” some folks have said. Not so sure about that, although I grant that this “bromance” has been carrying on for some years now. However, there is great doubt at this point if Eyster will be traveling in the same vehicle as the Sheriff for the Fair Parade. Apparently, the Large-breasted Boonville Flasher, mentioned above, is very particular about whom she exposes her mountainous breasts to and the DA is not on her list, for reasons that remain curiously unexplained.

…The incorrect use of “there” when “their” is the required spelling (as in “their land’) is very disappointing although to many it is not the “end of the world” of course. However, when it appears on a flyer posted on a school noticeboard, one cannot help but wonder if such things are just not important anymore. What will be next?

…“All That Good Stuff,” the local gift store, is currently having a 30% off Closing Sale ending with the business locking its doors for the final time on Friday, September 30. They have been located in SoBo (South Boonville) since their move from the Farrer Building in 2012. There are a number of reasons for the store’s ultimate failure to survive, but one cannot help but think that this is a sad end to an unsavory Valley tale, and that some folks should have a little trouble sleeping, but probably don’t.

…From our 3-Dot regular, The Old Buzzard, comes another in his insightful series. “Signs that the Apocalypse is Approaching.” Buzzard reports, “As I sit here contemplating the state of the film industry, not only do I think that HBO provides better entertainment than going to a cinema (due mainly to all the top screenwriters now working for the premium cable networks, having left the shoot-outs, explosions, car chases, special effects, and blatantly obvious plot lines to the movie business), but also that censorship in films has become ludicrous, while once again this premium cable channel has got it right when it comes to sex and violence.

“For the sake of credibility, you obviously can’t show love/sex scenes for too long without showing a pair of breasts and yet, according to the movie censors, a pair of breasts is often a problem and leads to prohibitive ratings. Chopping someone’s head off or riddling someone with bullets, that is not a problem. Showing parts of the anatomy that you can see on every beach in the south of France, and many other places for that matter. apparently that’s a problem and leads to unreasonable levels of censorship. It’s not a vitally important issue, and as I said, I was just “contemplating” this odd state of affairs, but another example that the Apocalypse is rapidly approaching. “

Enough. “Please take me drunk, I’m home.” Until we talk again, Be careful out there; if you break a leg don’t come running to me; stay out of the ditches; be wary of strangers with more dogs than teeth; show love to your pets, they will be faithful and true, and remember to keep your windows cracked if you leave them in your vehicle; think good thoughts; Keep the Faith; try to not let life get in the way of living; may your god go with you, and may your dog go with you tooA final request, “Let us prey.” Sometimes poking, often stroking, but almost always humbly yours, Turkey Vulture. Contact me through the Letters Page or at PS. Keep on wagging that tail, Fred. Hi, Silver Swan; behaving yourself? Hopefully not! Keep up the good work, Round-eyed Robin.

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