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Bird’s Eye View (Dec. 28, 2016)

How was your Christmas? Did the new sweater fit? Did it still fit after dinner? Did you keep the receipt for your nephew’s broken toy? Why was Uncle Stan so drunk and was that the reason Grandpa was rude to him? Why did Cousin Betty go for a nap and not return? Who was that long-haired slacker that teenage niece Tiffany was talking to on the doorstep? Why was Aunt Jenny crying? Did you ever find the new puppy that went missing? And to make matters even more worrisome and confusing, next up it’s the Amateur Night Out of the Year. New Year’s Eve! Try to enjoy yourselves and if someone is behaving badly then I suggest you just smile and walk away. Makes sense.

Onward. Public Service Announcements. #542. Hope to see you at the New Year’s Eve Party at Lauren’s in Boonville dancing to the excellent live music from the very popular local band BoonFire! Music starts at 9pm and the bar is open until midnight. you cant get much better than that. #543: Useful numbers at this time of year: for road conditions and closures call 1-800-gas-road (427-7623) and for power problems and outages call 1-800-PGE (743)-5000. #544. The Vets from the Mendocino Animal Hospital will next be at the AV Farm Supply on Highway 128, north of Philo January (12th) — twice in February (2nd and 23rd). #545. The Boonville Farmers Market continues Winter location and hours at The Boonville General Store, Saturdays from 11am-1pm. Cindy at 895-2949. #546. Need a burn permit? From 11am to 3pm on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays you can get one from the Firehouse in Boonville. Call 895-2020 for more information or stop. #547. The AV Lending Library run by The Unity Club is open Tuesdays from 1.30-4.30pm and Saturdays 2-4pm at The Fairgrounds in Boonville. #548. The County Dump is open from 9am-4pm Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday. Dump Executive Director, Mike Mannix, rewards good customers with a star but will be very harsh with anyone thinking they can leave dead animals!

Two annual Valley Crab Feeds are scheduled for Saturdays in the first few weeks of the New Year. First is the annual benefit for the Senior Center and on Saturday, January 21, tickets $35 pre-sale, $40 on the door, sold at the Senior Center, AV Market, Rossi Hardware, and Lemons’ in Philo. Happy Hour at 5.30pm, dinner at 6.30pm. The Original Crab Feed is Saturday, February 4. Tickets $45, same as last year, include complimentary wine, available through Gloria Ross at 895-3071, John Schultz at 895-9552, or Lemons Market. Both Crab Feeds are very popular Valley-centric occasions and WILL sell out; you have been warned.

The menu for the Community lunches next week or so in the Senior Center at the Veterans Building in Boonville — $6 donation from seniors and $7 for Non-seniors. The Center remains closed for the holidays until next Tuesday, January 3 when lunch features Meat Loaf, Mashed potatoes and Gravy, with Holy Cow Cake for dessert. All meals include vegetables, salad bar, and fruit, plus milk, coffee, tea, and lemonade. Maybe the best value for money you’ll get all week! Tai Chi is available Tuesdays at 11am. Thursdays at 11am is Kathy’s Easy-stretch Yoga class and the Active Life Club from 10am to 2pm and features games, crafts, and music. The Senior Center’s Community Bus goes to Ukiah on Mondays and Santa Rosa on the first Wednesday of the month: next week, January 4. These trips fill up fast so sign up early at 489-1175. Hopefully you will be able to attend some of these events and certainly the lunches and dinners, and remember. ALL ages are welcome! Hope to see you there.

The Three-Dot Lounge was closed over the holiday but here are some of my personal hopes and wishes for 2017.

Chocolate Chip and Vanilla Ice Cream will be in plentiful supply at every grocery store in The Valley.

All drivers shall follow the rules of the road. That most definitely includes California Vehicle Code # 21656. “Slower vehicles must pull over to allow others to pass.” No driving over 60mph anywhere; no driving under 40mph in the 55mph limit without pulling over in the Valley’s many turnouts to let others pass. Of course driving at 30mph or less in town is to be strictly enforced, with very grave consequences for those who do not follow these guidelines. Do I hear “feed ’em to the pigs” from anyone?

All drivers parking at 90 degrees to the sidewalk outside businesses and stores will have their vehicles egged. Eggs will be paid for (upon proof of receipt and photograph of the eggs on the windscreen) by Captain Rainbow, formerly Corporal Raindrop, as this is his pet peeve and he wants to see the practice brought to an end like many of us.

Residents will be asked to “verbally confront” the “biker hordes” when those weekend visitors (mostly accountants, bankers, and lawyers posing in their rarely worn, stiff and shiny leathers, pretending to be “rebels”) arrive this summer and annoyingly begin revving up their very noisy Harleys. From now on hopefully they will be pointed at and told, “Don’t be late at the office on Monday morning.” What are they going to do? Throw their man-purses at us?

When some people are asked a question about something they know nothing or very little about, they should be encouraged to say, “I don’t know” — a very acceptable response which saves everyone lots of time.

All citizens must get tags for their pets. It’s easy and cheap at and all those hard working volunteers at the Animal Rescue, plus the many other animal lovers in The Valley, will certainly appreciate it. Anyone not abiding by this rule to be fined $1 and the monies collected to be donated to the animal charities of my choice.

All attendees at Pot Lucks in The Valley must bring a dish or some form of alcohol large enough to feed or quench the thirst of at least eight guests. A stick of celery or days-old bread or two beers will no longer suffice.

No more vineyards are allowed if they are to be owned by a wine-guzzling know-all who assumes they can make wine just because they have made their millions elsewhere in an entirely different area of expertise. This is to be rigidly enforced if such a person is living in some far flung location, has never lived here, and who wouldn’t know a wild hog if it bit him in the ass or a Turkey Vulture if it defecated on his head.

Anyone, anywhere in public, starting a sentence with “You should” will be fined $1 on the spot. All monies going towards the Christmas Tree Fund.

Phone service employees will be issued written warnings if they are observed standing around for more than an hour at the side of the road pointing up in the air. Perhaps this will save time and then we would not be told that in order to have our phone repaired we have to stay at home and to expect the technician to arrive “sometime between 8am and 7pm”!

Most Caltrans workers work hard and do a fine job. But some seem to stand around doing nothing except scowl menacingly at drivers as they pass. They should stop. It’s not clever, funny, or even that menacing, but it does seem to keep them from their work for long periods of time.

When the power goes out, PG&E will not be able to tell us that they are “out of power” themselves. If that’s all they can say, then lie to us. Anything will do rather than such an unsettling announcement that was heard over the radio waves around this time last year.

When somebody calls to remind you of your appointment for something or other at their place of work, they should do so clearly and concisely, not by mumbling or by speaking so quickly that the message is undecipherable. Doesn’t this seem to really defeat their purpose?

All herky-jerky, whirling, twirling, hippy-dancing. whenever and wherever it breaks out in public will be halted by concerned residents. Obviously this applies neither to the female movers who have rhythm nor the exotically-skilled belly dancers one occasionally sees, but it certainly does to the other 90% who make up this odd group.

And finally, and perhaps most important of all, the limited choice in toilet tissue sold at the local stores will be enlarged in 2017 to include the really strong stuff that myself and The Four-eyed Woodpecker, to name just two, require to complete our daily ablutions satisfactorily and thus avoid the “internal self-examination” we currently seem to have to go through every morning.

Oh, dear, have I upset somebody? I’ll get my coat and leave. Be careful out there; if you break a leg don’t come running to me; stay out of the ditches; be wary of strangers with more dogs than teeth; show love to your pets, they will be faithful and true to you to the last beat of their hearts; think good thoughts; Keep the Faith; try to not let life get in the way of living; may your god go with you, and may your dog go with you too. Final request, “Let us prey.” Sometimes poking, often stroking, but almost always humbly yours, Turkey Vulture. Contact me through the Letters Page or at PS. Skylark: read any good books lately? Hi, Silver Swan. behaving yourself? Hopefully not! Everything cool with you, O.J.? Of course it is.

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