Amsterdam Holiday, Part 6

Maybe the weed is stronger here, but I was getting down on myself a lot today, wondering if I appeared as criminally suspect as my ex-con stepbrother Tim did in his recent Greece vacation pictures. Amid beautiful backdrops, all I saw in those pics was my bloated, bearish stepbro, and all I could think of […]

At Crown Hall, My First Rap Concert

Halloween didn’t officially begin for me at Saturday night’s rap concert at Mendocino’s Crown Hall. It more or less kicked off at the Laundromat in Fort Bragg that afternoon when a doughy, busty white thing in questionable black jeans and cheap teal toy sunglasses asked me if I was Woody Harrelson’s brother. “You look like […]

Amsterdam Holiday, Part 4

In the breezy sunlit spring morning I walked across Amsterdam in slow search of The Gray Area coffeeshop on Oude Leliestraat. Didn’t come up on it right away, but I passed the Anne Frank Huis, and remembered going on a tour there when I was 20. I bought an apple and forgot that you have […]

Amsterdam Holiday, Part 3

After showering and running a squeegee on the questionable non-sloped floor in Amsterdam’s Bed and Coffee, I ditched my airplane clothes and slimmed my backpack down to hit the street. I took an endearing last look at what surely would be my looted belongings. As my sandals hit the pavement, three young guys were entering […]

Amsterdam Holiday, Part 2

Conveniently enough there’s a Wijn bar on Rustenburgerstraat now where you head left for the frazzled Bed and Coffee. By frazzled, I mean things have changed considerably at the cheap little non-hostel hostel in the Latin Quarter of Amsterdam called de Pijp, and I was about to see how much so. The pony tailed Brit […]

Amsterdam Holiday

I boarded Delta Flight 80 from New York to Amsterdam in First Class thanks to a gifted buddy pass from an ex-girlfriend-gone-lesbian that keeps me on procreatory, sperm-willing retainer. The overtly kind flight attendant sat me in the front row beside a grumpy, white haired Dutchman who was like a raw nerve the moment I […]

Dad’s Two Week Notice

The surprise visit from our landlord’s main man was not appreciated. Good thing I was midway through vac­uuming up all the baking soda I’d sprinkled on our now multi-animal soaked and defecated carpet when I heard the knock. I left the vacuum on and bolted to the room, unplugging the hydroponic light, nailing a sheet […]

The Ungrateful Dead

The voice of the warehouse madman woke me up. “Hey dude, it’s Wayne,” his Arkansas accent scratched its way through my answering machine. “Jus’ callin’ you up man, see if y’all can pick me up for work dude.” This was bad: it was 7:30 already, I had to be in my wife’s car by 7:40 […]

Jarheads In The Bike Lane

My birthday showed its face in June, and thanks to the recent auto repossession and my wife’s work sched­ule, it would be an auto-free, solitary celebration. I had a check from a beer newspaper of all publications and a bottle of wine in mind. Once I finished my morning coffee, I pulled my spider-webbed and […]

Repo Man Cometh

Nothing like having your car repossessed while your mother’s in town for a visit. On a bright sunny morning in June, my life soon became much more complicated in the to and fro department. The fact that such an economic tragedy occurred at the beginning of Mom’s three day stay was further proof that life […]