Dear Dr. Zack:
The holiday season breaks like a campaign promise upon the diamond-encrusted hull of the S.S. Reality. Now comes word that the Democrats will suspend the minority’s right to a Congressional filibuster. See what happens when you put the bro back into Guantanabro? Is this schoolyard bullying writ large? Would Richie Incognito bitchslap Sarah Palin in the context of toughening her up? Does anyone care?
As you can tell, the 50th anniversary of JFK’s murder sorta kinda has me contemplative. Or maybe suicidal. Is there an AMA-approved test that can point me in the general direction of truth? I tried signing up for Obamacare, but while waiting on hold for two weeks, I lost my house thanks to a mortgage scam.
On the bright side, the Niners are on Monday Night Football in a few hours and Fukushima is still leaking radioactive sludge into the Pacific. Serves them pointy-heads right after what they did at Pearl Harbor! Justice is red, white and BRUISE, mofos! As my friend who vacations in Tijuana is fond of saying, “Payback is an itch!”
Phar Gone & Phurther Out
Dear Phar Gone,
Your time and participation are important to us. Thank you. On behalf of Thomas Jefferson, Hippocrates and Eartha Kitt, welcome to Obamacare and the Coalition to Suspend the Bill of Rights.
If you believe you have reached this message in error, then VOTE FOR SOMEONE ELSE, SUCKER! Pardon the interruption. Obviously Anonymous-style hackers have hacked into the hacking apparatus and are hacking up a lung. Breathe easier knowing your friends at the NSA and Office of Naval Research are hacking everything that’s hackable in order to keep the hackers from hacking into your Tivo and Sony PlayStation. Puff puff cough cough.
Please stay on the line and an NSA Virtual Assistant/Hillary in ’16 Paid Volunteer will be with you shortly. If you are unable to stay on hold for anywhere from three hours to 47 years, please leave your name, address, social security number, birth certificate, blood type, shoe size, and favorite brand of Wishbone ranch-style dressing at the beep.*
*In the interest of full disclosure, it is not required to leave any personal information after the beep; Verizon, Amazon and the NFL Rules Committee have already given the Department of Homeland Security all of your pertinent data. However, please know that Homeland Security, the NSA and the Democratic Central Committee do not share, reveal or sell your personal information under any circumstances that do not include the global war on terror, the Campaign To Finance More Campaign Finance Campaigns With Real Cash Rewards and Complimentary First Class Upgrade/Nightly Turn Down Service Lifestyle. We also wear pink wristbands occasionally.
* * *
To determine if you are a bully, a victim, or both, please take the following quiz. Results are for marketing, fund-raising and mind control purposes only, and do not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of Major League Baseball, the San Francisco Giants, the French Foreign Legion, and our corporate (and Alcoholics Anonymous) sponsors.
Are You A Bully? Take the quiz and find out before it’s too late.
When a larger person slaps a smaller person around, it is:
c. the Global War on Terror
d. the Miami Dolphins holiday party
e. Shut up, faggot!
An NFL locker room is most similar to:
a. a Sonoma State seminar on the sacred feminine
b. the AVHS teachers’ room after harvest
c. trench warfare minus the trench
d. trench warfare minus the yucks
Miami Dolphin guard and alleged bully Richie Incognito Jr. is:
a. a lunatic
b. a violent lunatic
c. an all-pro violent lunatic
d. Hillary Clinton minus the Amish-style pantsuits
e. if drones are illegal, then why are you dead, faggot?
Richie Incognito Jr. got:
a. kicked out of Nebraska
b. kicked out of Oregon
c. kicked off the St. Louis Rams
d. suspended from the Miami Dolphins
e. thrown under the bus by tree huggers and sissies.
If Richie Incognito thinks drone warfare is a good idea, then:
a. it’s a good idea
b. cold fist, warm heart
c. it’s a great idea
d. shut up, faggot!
The United States of America:
a. got kicked out of Viet Nam
b. got kicked out of North Korea
c. kicked the UK’s ass twice, yo!
d. got pawned by Edward Snowden
Canada is to California as:
a. Mexico is to Belize
b. Willits is to Hell
c. Hell is to Ukiah
d. Chelsea is to Bradley
e. Soho is to Chelsea
Richie Incognito Jr. called teammate Jonathan Martin:
e. Hillary 2016
Bullying is sometimes necessary because:
a. they attacked our freedoms on 9/11
b. what happens in Yemen, stays in Yemen
c. what happens in Pakistan, stays in Pakistan
d. what happens in Iraq can be milked forever through photo ops and fundraising committees
e. sniff my butt, fairy boots
Bullying can be defined as:
a. knocking someone’s dick in the dirt
b. someone knocking your dick in the dirt
c. dick in dirt
d. dirt on dick
e. Dirty Dick’s RVs, the Inland Empire’s #1 Choice for Big Rigs and Catchy Jigs
Bullying is not:
a. blaming it on mommy
b. blaming it on daddy
f. all of the above
Habeas Corpus is
a. rare skin condition
b. a stunt popular with rodeo clowns
c. faggot talk
d. put your hands up
e. Uranium tipped for maximum giggles
Time will end when:
a. the Obamacare website offers free two-day shipping for anyone signing up for the Guantanamo Visa Card
b. Obama admits to washing Hillary’s panties in a savory broth of Ivy League smugness and Monsanto voodoo spices
c. Mexico dresses up like Laredo for Halloween
d. Joe Biden admits to becoming aroused while listening to Angela Merkel
e. Joe Biden admits to becoming aroused while listening to Angela Merkel yelling at a BMW dealer that her cracked sideview mirror is covered by the warranty and/or the Marshall Plan
If you are a high school freshman, you deserve to get:
b. tied to flag pole
c. tarred and feathered
d. beaten up
e. forced to lick it
If you like The Sound of Music you deserve to:
a. kill or be killed
c. kitted out in Wehrmacht trousers
e. participate in a funky three-way with the Clintons (Bill, Hillary and George)
If you ever wondered if LeBron is a sensitive kisser, you are a:
d. half-pitcher of cosmopolitans from informing your agent that you’re open to changing teams and/or positions
e. traitor to your planet
Richie Incognito commonly held offensive line meetings:
a. in strip clubs
b. in Las Vegas
c. in Las Vegas strip clubs
d. in Hilary Clinton’s closet (stuck between Vincent Foster’s ashes and Diane Feinstein’s Glock, the one that shoots “do as I say, not as I do.”)
You are to Richie Incognito as:
a. strip clubs are to Vegas
b. Vegas is to America
c. Meat is to squash
d. Squash is to conflicted feelings of hate, honor and self-loathing (see: Thanksgiving)
When contemplating violence, it’s best to:
a. remember St. Augustine’s treatise on Just War
b. just do it
c. turn up the AC/DC; if it’s hot outside, turn up the AC too
c. drizzle mountain lion urine in the water bowl of your neighbor’s dog
d. Ready, fire, aim!
Tune in next week for answers.