I really wasn't sure I wanted to grow this year, the stress of selling it was overwhelming, the price always going down, and all the packaging and repackaging, all the handling was finally getting to me. Nonetheless I spent all winter using a lot of quality time (ie, buzzed on morning coffee) making lists and surveying the options: Seeds? Clones? Greenhouse? Lights? If I was going to do it I wanted to really do it.

When the clones arrived and we started transplanting the little OG babies from cubes to 4 by 4's I told my helper, “I don't really want to be doing this.”

I had gotten the grow lights out of the attic and hooked them up, those 1000 watt lights fascinated me, I visited many times during the day. When the plants got powdery mildew I obediently researched and purchased the organic herbicide and sprayed once a week. A couple months later I had a bunch of beautiful three foot plants in three gallon containers, the nicest I'd had in May in years.

I still wasn't sure I wanted to grow them but was assured that I could sell them if not. I diligently staked them for their debut out on the windy deck under full sun and built a temporary shade house for the first week out, then I realized I hadn't completely thought this through: I had to haul them 60 feet up the mountain from the grow room, two at a time, about 50 trips and it took about a week.

A few nights a week I would get high at night and think, “I really don't want to do this anymore, I want to be free from the whole growing thing, maybe do something else in life?” But each morning I thought, “No, I can do this thing.” Finally, even when I was sober I thought,” I really don't want to do this.” I called a friend and she came over and said she'd buy them from me. I did break even on supplies, including the 1000$ electric bill, but my labor just turned out to be exercise. That's okay, when you're indecisive, confused and fuck up somehow I think you do have to pay the price. Yes, I guess I'm still a fool, once again, but I'm hoping for redemption.

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